we're done

I guess my life is trying to tell me something. Losing my job, going back to school, not having an income, etc, has been enough for me to know that having a baby this year or in the next few is not in the cards for me.

Somehow, in all of this, I feel I'm right where I'm meant to be. Even not having a 3rd child feels right. Well, at least I feel okay with it.

So, I'm putting this blog on hold until something in my life tells me that it is time to have a baby. Right now, I'm planning a huge garage sale. :)

life happens

Okay, so I put in my 2 week notice. I'm officially unemployed beginning 5/27/11. I'm also jumping right into school. I have an online class starting May 16th.

Going back to SCSU, where I partied and goofed off and quit twice. I'm thinking about my life this week and I'm sure I was meant to drop out of school to work to find out I wanted to work in health care. I'm also sure I would never have met my husband had I finished college in 4 years. I'm sure I would have had an important career that wouldn't have allowed me to work part-time for my first 3 years of motherhood. Who knows, maybe that career wouldn't have allowed me to do fertility treatments at all?

Also, seeing the Speech Language Pathologist working with Quinn these past months made me interested in pursuing that field. Staying in health care, working with patients/clients, weekday hours, and other employment possibilities (working in schools). Good average pay (about double what I was making before I quit) makes me feel like school will be worth the investment.

If all goes well, I will be able to finish my Bachelor's by May 2013 and my Master's by Dec 2015 or so. We have no money to pay for school, so we're hoping for grants and loans to help. Trying not to think too hard about that...

My life is about to be turned upside down - in a good way! Sounds like a great time to throw a baby into the mix?!

Mother's Day

So happy to be a mother today. Nothing like having a day devoted to reminding you how much you do for your family and how much they appreciate it!

Even if I only have Hadley and Quinn and no more children, I am forever grateful that I beat infertility twice. Talk about miracles! Love you two, and I love being your momma.

indecisive

Today was one of the days where I wonder why I would want to have a baby in the house again. We were outside most of the day, and even though Quinn still needs supervision, we were both able to work a bit in the yard without being "bothered." The kids are both old enough now to play on their own and entertain themselves, so having a baby would mean going back to nearly constant care again.

I like having children who can do more things for themselves. They can walk places, and unless we go for a long period of time, I don't need to drag diapers and toys and cups, etc. Things are pretty comfortable and low maintenance.

Don't get me wrong, the kids are a heck of a lot of work. I wouldn't ever say that motherhood is easy. However, having a newborn/infant/young toddler is very different from having a preschooler.

On the other hand, maybe having two preschoolers is just what I need to get through having another newborn! :)

gender wishes

I want another girl. I could lie and say that gender is unimportant, but I would still secretly hope for a girl. I want Hadley to have a sister.

My sister is mentally challenged, and so in some ways I feel like I don't have a sister with whom I can share life experiences. Not that she isn't a great sister in other ways, but she will probably never marry, and she will never have children because of a chromosomal abnormality. Her life is so fundamentally different from mine that we cannot have a "normal" sister relationship.

I want that for my daughter. She needs it because of her strong personality and her (so far) self-centered attitude. I think it would do her good to have a sister to teach and to share some of the spotlight. Her brother does that somewhat, but I think she knows she is extra special and different than him because she is a girl.

I want for her what I've missed. Someone to talk to about periods and dating and college life and marriage and sex and pregnancy and motherhood and all of those things that only sisters can understand. Friends can do some of that, but I've seen so many friends come and go in my life that I understand that only a sister will always be there for you.

I will be getting 2 sister-in-laws this year, and one next year. Maybe out of the 3 I will find that sister relationship that I've always wanted. Someone to be my "person" once my Mom is gone (hopefully not for another 30-40 years!).

If I have another boy, that would be wonderful. Quinn would get to have a brother, and I'm sure he would enjoy that. Boys who grow up without brothers probably have some of the same feelings I have had. In a perfect world, I would have twins - a boy and a girl so that each child would have a brother and a sister. As if that would ACTUALLY happen! HA!

secret blog...as long as you don't view my wall!

Busted. Ben says the other day, "Why are you going on Blogger?" I act cool and say, "I'm just going on there to check my friends' blogs." Which was true, by the way. He says, "Oh, you're not going on to post on your blog that I'm not supposed to know about yet?"

Yeah, I felt awesome. At least he wasn't really mad about it; I think I was more upset because I had no idea how he found out on Facebook! I did some investigating tonight and realized that posts and comments I make on our support group's private page are displayed on my wall. I assumed (I know, a bad thing to do), that since our group was private that our posts would be private. Now I know better.

My job situation is such a mess right now that I'm not even thinking about babies. Ben said he is just fine with me meeting with my RE next month, so at least I have that going for me. I hope I find a job and have a steady paycheck come fall so I can have a better chance of convincing him that this is the right thing to do. He is very concerned about handling another child financially. As if we were really able to handle the first 2 financially?? LOL

not meant to be...or is it??

So yesterday I had an AWFUL day at work. More awful than the past 7 months at my new job have been. I basically felt like garbage after a meeting with my boss and trainer. I am not doing well and basically I need to find a new job. I'm not fired, and I haven't quit, but one of those two things is in my near future. What's sad is that I tried my hardest and still failed. The job wasn't for me, but I unsuccessfully tried to make it work.

Anyway, of course I am thinking a bit about how this affects my baby dreams. Will I be able to stay employed at the hospital and keep the same insurance? Will I have to be unemployed for awhile? Will I have to go back to a part-time paycheck? Will we be able to afford to have a 3rd child? Maybe life is trying to tell me I shouldn't move forward...

Then again, the other part of me (the part that wants a baby!) is thinking, maybe this is meant to be. Maybe I am supposed to spend some time at home with my kids, even if we cannot afford to eat. Maybe I am supposed to get a part-time job so that when pregnancy and baby #3 comes I won't be gone from home so much. Maybe this is a good thing??

I'm not canceling my appointment with my RE unless I absolutely have to...oh, and I suppose I should tell Ben about it before the day comes...